spring snow
the purple hyacinth//regret
listen on spotify
listen on apple music
listen on youtube
Spring Snow is the centerpiece of the entire album spr;ng. Not to be too nerdy, but if this album was a scientific publication, it would be the abstract.
Loss and grief has defined my springtime for the past decade. It seems like all deaths, breakups, international pandemics, cancelled graduations, and goodbyes happen in the spring. Both the lyrics and composition of Spring Snow essentially center around how difficult it is for me to let go.
about the orchestration:
My music journey started with LONG years of playing mediocre classical piano and a myriad of other instruments. Along the way, I was shaped by a passionate season of wind conducting (#CGMB). Composing contemporary classical music was something I did in secret (well sort of, I placed 2nd in the Indiana State Fair for piano composition but told no one because I was embarrassed.)
Eventually, despite not being a singer, I turned to songwriting, melding my love for soundscapes, counterpoint, and ~angsty~ poetry. To honor my youth and beginnings, I wrote a full orchestra score along with traditional band instruments. You can imagine the number of tracks in this song, it was insane...
Two of the most influential composers in my life are Percy Grainger (I’m a band nerd) and J.S. Bach (I’m also a pipe organ nerd). While this doesn’t come close to their brilliance and how much JOY their pieces bring me, I tried my best to honor their styles in this song.
The orchestration is as important (if not more) than the lyrics in this song. Every longing, nightmare, and regret is poured into the orchestra. I am the woodwinds chasing after the strings, repeating over and over again, “Come back. Don’t go. I’m sorry. Please stay.” I am the percussion and band vigorously shaking my old snow globe trying to turn back time. My friends and family are the comforting brass holding me tightly and steadily.
about the lyrics:
Grief comes and goes at odd times and lasts way longer than you ever think it will. When you lose someone, I think you also lose a part of yourself- your relationships with people change, your goals in life are altered, and you become aware of just how cruel life is. Grief looks different for everyone. For me, grief has been desperately running after ghosts, clinging to the past, and being obsessively overprotective over my loved ones. But people don’t thrive if they’re trapped in snow globes, and despite my best efforts, spring does always come.
Spring Snow was both healing and incredibly painful to write and record. Admitting that I’m still heartbroken over everything kinda sucked, being vulnerable is super hard, and at times, it felt like I was just making myself sadder. But the people who I wrote this for were particularly influential in my creativity and music, and it brought me a lot of joy knowing music brought them so much joy. I feel like all of them would have loved this song (or critiqued some of my orchestration choices...)
While I’m not 100% sure who will greet me in heaven, I am looking forward to the day I see the face of Jesus with unveiled eyes. I know that He’ll wipe away every tear and show me how He redeemed each spring in my life. Until that glorious day, I’ll still be sad over these deaths, especially since one was a suicide. I also know that I will continue to be deeply affected by grief and loss as I get older.
But for the first time in years, I’m looking forward to spring. Despite my fear of what the coming months will bring, I crave a new beginning. I’ve gained a zeal for life that I didn’t have before. And I have dreams for the future instead of just like “eh”-ing everything, which is kind of a big deal for me!
Thanks for reading this mini-manifesto and listening to Spring Snow. I hope it comforts you and helps you process through loss. I hope you feel my obnoxious high-pitched chaotic presence wrapping you in a big warm hug.
S.D.G. (c’mon fellow Bach nerds??)
For the second part of March, I bundled purple hyacinths for all of our regrets and “if only”s.
the purple hyacinth//regret
listen on spotify
listen on apple music
listen on youtube
Spring Snow is the centerpiece of the entire album spr;ng. Not to be too nerdy, but if this album was a scientific publication, it would be the abstract.
Loss and grief has defined my springtime for the past decade. It seems like all deaths, breakups, international pandemics, cancelled graduations, and goodbyes happen in the spring. Both the lyrics and composition of Spring Snow essentially center around how difficult it is for me to let go.
about the orchestration:
My music journey started with LONG years of playing mediocre classical piano and a myriad of other instruments. Along the way, I was shaped by a passionate season of wind conducting (#CGMB). Composing contemporary classical music was something I did in secret (well sort of, I placed 2nd in the Indiana State Fair for piano composition but told no one because I was embarrassed.)
Eventually, despite not being a singer, I turned to songwriting, melding my love for soundscapes, counterpoint, and ~angsty~ poetry. To honor my youth and beginnings, I wrote a full orchestra score along with traditional band instruments. You can imagine the number of tracks in this song, it was insane...
Two of the most influential composers in my life are Percy Grainger (I’m a band nerd) and J.S. Bach (I’m also a pipe organ nerd). While this doesn’t come close to their brilliance and how much JOY their pieces bring me, I tried my best to honor their styles in this song.
The orchestration is as important (if not more) than the lyrics in this song. Every longing, nightmare, and regret is poured into the orchestra. I am the woodwinds chasing after the strings, repeating over and over again, “Come back. Don’t go. I’m sorry. Please stay.” I am the percussion and band vigorously shaking my old snow globe trying to turn back time. My friends and family are the comforting brass holding me tightly and steadily.
about the lyrics:
Grief comes and goes at odd times and lasts way longer than you ever think it will. When you lose someone, I think you also lose a part of yourself- your relationships with people change, your goals in life are altered, and you become aware of just how cruel life is. Grief looks different for everyone. For me, grief has been desperately running after ghosts, clinging to the past, and being obsessively overprotective over my loved ones. But people don’t thrive if they’re trapped in snow globes, and despite my best efforts, spring does always come.
Spring Snow was both healing and incredibly painful to write and record. Admitting that I’m still heartbroken over everything kinda sucked, being vulnerable is super hard, and at times, it felt like I was just making myself sadder. But the people who I wrote this for were particularly influential in my creativity and music, and it brought me a lot of joy knowing music brought them so much joy. I feel like all of them would have loved this song (or critiqued some of my orchestration choices...)
While I’m not 100% sure who will greet me in heaven, I am looking forward to the day I see the face of Jesus with unveiled eyes. I know that He’ll wipe away every tear and show me how He redeemed each spring in my life. Until that glorious day, I’ll still be sad over these deaths, especially since one was a suicide. I also know that I will continue to be deeply affected by grief and loss as I get older.
But for the first time in years, I’m looking forward to spring. Despite my fear of what the coming months will bring, I crave a new beginning. I’ve gained a zeal for life that I didn’t have before. And I have dreams for the future instead of just like “eh”-ing everything, which is kind of a big deal for me!
Thanks for reading this mini-manifesto and listening to Spring Snow. I hope it comforts you and helps you process through loss. I hope you feel my obnoxious high-pitched chaotic presence wrapping you in a big warm hug.
S.D.G. (c’mon fellow Bach nerds??)
For the second part of March, I bundled purple hyacinths for all of our regrets and “if only”s.
For my friends and family who are drowning in grief and loss: I love you dearly, and you are not alone. Call me. You don’t have to grieve alone.
For the people who left with the cold: I love you dearly, and I miss you like crazy. I can’t believe I had the blessing of being in your life. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.
lyrics:
I used to love springtime
but now when the season changes
and the snow fades,
I long to fade too.
I used to love music,
but now with each minor key,
I wonder which hymn will be
the next funeral tune.
And I know,
that the springtime rain
helps the flowers bloom and grow.
And I know,
the same is true for me,
after grief there’ll be a rainbow.
But can I go back to winter?
Well, I don’t care if I freeze or thaw.
I still miss you.
I wanna be with you.
Oh please March don’t come,
let me stay in my snow globe with the people I love.
It’s kind of funny,
The girl, who chased after change
and hated being tied to a place,
is haunted by the choices she made.
It’s kind of stupid,
but I used to believe
I could control everything,
as if I could choose not to grieve.
And I know,
“It’s better to love and lose
then to never love at all.”
But the hole,
that’s been left behind,
can’t be filled anymore.
So can I go back to winter?
I don’t care if I freeze or thaw.
I still miss you.
I wanna be with you.
Oh please March don’t come,
Let me stay in my snow globe with the people I
Love, stay with me
Please don’t leave me
There’s only rain if you’re gone.
I’ll keep on my
itchy black sweater,
thick wool socks,
just to see your footprints in the snow.
I’ll take the
melancholy, overcast,
cold fingers and toes,
if we can stay safe in my snow globe.
Who needs life, if death is sure?
I’m trapped on this side of heaven,
while you left with the cold.
instrumental
I want to stay in winter,
maybe then the pain will fade.
I still miss you,
but I’m not with you.
Every year, March does come,
And if I stay in my snow globe,
then I’ll never move on.
But every year, March does come,
and I cry with the sky
because I haven’t moved on.
about the art:
Rebecca, my beloved friend, worked so hard on this cover. Not only did she carefully look at my gigantic Pinterest board and take into account all of my thoughts, but every detail (down to the detailing of the red jacket 20-year-old me would always rock) was also carefully chosen by her. While commissioning Rebecca, I had several art pieces (Woman with a Parasol - Madame Monet and Her Son) and artists (Monet, Thomas Cole, Berthe Morisot) in mind. Even though my desired style was out of her comfort zone (she could rival top manga artists), she did an amazing job on this, especially since she created it digitally.
credits:
A HUGE GIGANTIC OMG-HOW-ARE-YOU-SO-TALENTED THANK YOU:
artwork by rebecca dai
mixing/mastering by HONEYVERB RECORDS
For the people who left with the cold: I love you dearly, and I miss you like crazy. I can’t believe I had the blessing of being in your life. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.
lyrics:
I used to love springtime
but now when the season changes
and the snow fades,
I long to fade too.
I used to love music,
but now with each minor key,
I wonder which hymn will be
the next funeral tune.
And I know,
that the springtime rain
helps the flowers bloom and grow.
And I know,
the same is true for me,
after grief there’ll be a rainbow.
But can I go back to winter?
Well, I don’t care if I freeze or thaw.
I still miss you.
I wanna be with you.
Oh please March don’t come,
let me stay in my snow globe with the people I love.
It’s kind of funny,
The girl, who chased after change
and hated being tied to a place,
is haunted by the choices she made.
It’s kind of stupid,
but I used to believe
I could control everything,
as if I could choose not to grieve.
And I know,
“It’s better to love and lose
then to never love at all.”
But the hole,
that’s been left behind,
can’t be filled anymore.
So can I go back to winter?
I don’t care if I freeze or thaw.
I still miss you.
I wanna be with you.
Oh please March don’t come,
Let me stay in my snow globe with the people I
Love, stay with me
Please don’t leave me
There’s only rain if you’re gone.
I’ll keep on my
itchy black sweater,
thick wool socks,
just to see your footprints in the snow.
I’ll take the
melancholy, overcast,
cold fingers and toes,
if we can stay safe in my snow globe.
Who needs life, if death is sure?
I’m trapped on this side of heaven,
while you left with the cold.
instrumental
I want to stay in winter,
maybe then the pain will fade.
I still miss you,
but I’m not with you.
Every year, March does come,
And if I stay in my snow globe,
then I’ll never move on.
But every year, March does come,
and I cry with the sky
because I haven’t moved on.
about the art:
Rebecca, my beloved friend, worked so hard on this cover. Not only did she carefully look at my gigantic Pinterest board and take into account all of my thoughts, but every detail (down to the detailing of the red jacket 20-year-old me would always rock) was also carefully chosen by her. While commissioning Rebecca, I had several art pieces (Woman with a Parasol - Madame Monet and Her Son) and artists (Monet, Thomas Cole, Berthe Morisot) in mind. Even though my desired style was out of her comfort zone (she could rival top manga artists), she did an amazing job on this, especially since she created it digitally.
credits:
A HUGE GIGANTIC OMG-HOW-ARE-YOU-SO-TALENTED THANK YOU:
artwork by rebecca dai
mixing/mastering by HONEYVERB RECORDS